It is 9:53 am on Friday, January 18, 2019, and I am sitting on a plane, a little over two hours from landing in Mexico City. I am going back and forth between listening to music and reading Eat, Pray, Love. Her feelings and the desire to go, to master a language, to be, to recreate, and reimagine seem to be very much in alignment with what I feel most minutes of a day.
As you know, I’ve decided to pack up my life and quit my job at the end of May to travel abroad, master Spanish, and write. “Write until I’m right with myself and God” as the now shunned Kanye West once spoke. In my case, it would be GUA (God, Universe, Ancestors) but the sentiment is the same.
“You should know I’ve been trying to find my peace” H.E.R just sang into my ear in her soul-stirring melodic voice. Outside of the window is the wing of the plane “no step” painted across and a sea of endless clouds freckled throughout a beautiful soft blue sky.
What is life? I don’t have the answer to this yet. I know that it’s an expedition and these moments always feel the purest and freest for me.
I remember when I first got on a plane. The year was 2011 and I was traveling to spend the weekend with a woman I was madly enraptured with in Dallas, TX. The moment the plane took off and I breathed beyond my initial fears and reservations I knew this was my newest addiction. The flight of it all.
It makes the most sense that a woman was the first reason I boarded a plane. The right ones have always had a kryptonite-like hold on my life.
I could’ve boarded a plane years before for another woman, but she wanted me more than I ever wanted her and I had no desire to pretend. This has also always been a truth in my life. But authenticity comes with a price that not everyone is willing to pay. For me, peace of mind and spirit are priceless; never let anyone tell you different. At the very least, question their motives for saying so.
A taxi driver recently asked me if I have always had such an adventurous soul and it surprised me because I had never really imagined myself that way. I just go with what feels true and pure in that moment. As I often say, “do what feels right until it doesn’t; then, adjust accordingly.” My life no longer feels right and it no longer feels like mine. At least not the one that speaks to the core of who I am.
As a child I wanted to be a writer. I have always found the power of words to be transformative and life altering. There was a period in my life when I didn’t speak for fear of being misunderstood, but writing has always aided in saying what my mouth sometimes could not formulate.
At my core I am a creative, an artist. I love music in a way that sometimes seems odd to others as I am someone who hasn’t pursued, nor has any interest in pursuing, a career as a musician. But “some words, the way they look at you” as Nayyirah Waheed once shared.
Words have always shown me the deepest and truest parts of myself. Other than my instincts they have probably been my true north. Words—the way they undress me. How have I even managed to live life this long without allowing them to consume and override me? I don’t know but I no longer want to fight this. I no longer want to fight me.
Words and romance. Words and romance are what I am searching for. And to have that as the foundation that creates a life of wealth on every front. Here’s to 2019 being the first step.