Theme: Humbleness & Self-evaluation

Situation: El, an old friend of mine, has recently gotten back into contact with “the one.” I say the one because El says the one. El says “this is wifey,” “I always knew she was to be the wife, I was just young at the time,” “I can’t believe she is actually giving me another chance.” Now, with all of this being said one would think that El has been on the best behavior, right? Eh, not completely.

Problem: El is the type of person whose reputation precedes them. You know the type…the one who has been a player for a long time and comes with a warning label. Yeah, that’s El. Over the years El has dated a lot of women but hasn’t really opened up to any of them sincerely–mainly because El met “the one” years ago, but screwed it up with lies, elusiveness, and cheating. Now that the two have reconnected after years of being apart, El is dealing with emotions that are both foreign and uncomfortable.

El sometimes feels like it’s too good to be true, or that there are too many painful memories, and mistakes, from their past that they have to sort through, or that El doesn’t actually deserve another chance; basically El feels afraid and intimidated. This fear isn’t ill-placed​–during the time of their initial relationship they were young and a lot of betrayal and acts of revenge occurred. Right now they’re attempting to figure out if they are trying to fix the past, or if they can actually work in the present.

Dissection: This is a tricky situation because it has to be navigated cautiously. There is the possibility that they are both holding on to memories of the past, or the idea of what could’ve been. Can people actually come back together after years of separation and have a healthy relationship? Is there too much water under the bridge? Can they TRUTHFULLY start over and leave the past behind them? Though these questions seem tumultuous, the real determiner here will be if El is capable of facing El.

Solution: Each of us has a story to tell, and a reason behind our actions; El is no different. Instead of running toward love, El will often run in the opposite direction. El likes the idea of a challenge but runs when it feels like everything is going too perfectly. El isn’t the only person who does this. In fact, many people do, it just manifests in different ways.

Some people don’t chase their dreams; not because they don’t believe that they can make them happen, but what would it mean if they actually did, are they prepared for what success can mean to their lives? Often, people find comfort in dealing with a familiar type of pain. It seems oxymoronic to think of pain and comfort in the same sentence, but for some, it’s a way of life. If one has always been exposed to a certain thing and survived it, then they know that they can “take it.” They know that it may be painful, and at the end of the day there may be new scars, but they will continue to survive. I choose the word survive, because you can’t honestly strive in a situation like that, all you can do is survive. Now, imagine that something new comes along, it feels safe in a way that you’re not familiar with; it feels whole. Now ponder, if you let yourself dwell in this warmth, and wholeheartedly trust that this will last, what do you if/when it falls apart? Will this be what breaks you? Can you pick yourself up after this and continue as you were? This is where self-evaluation and reflection come into play.

We all love our friends, but sometimes in situations like this, they aren’t always the best source of advice. Friends are supposed to be on your side, and sometimes they’ll tell you that “you’re fine just the way you are,” “if the person can’t accept that you come like this then they’re not for you,” but sometimes it just isn’t that simple. In order for any relationship to fail or succeed, you need two individuals who are approaching it with a true knowledge of self. You need people who have acknowledged who/what made them into who they are/aren’t and are actively working to become the type of person they want to be, and want to share with someone else.

None of us are perfect, but all of us deserve a genuine love. However, before we can effectively accept, or give it, we have to:

1. Have positive examples of what that looks like, and
2. Deal with whatever personal issues are preventing us from having it.

As the saying goes, “the thing standing between you and greatness, is usually yourself.” Make wise decisions.

-Porscheoy Brice

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